A question I continue to ask myself… why is? why our family? Why our daughter? Hundreds of thousands of babies are born safely everyday why but not ours?
It’s something I’ve been struggling with a lot recently, my grief has been extra heavy and it always leads me to wondering why. I believe we are good people, who have been desperate for a child for years and would provide so much love. I don’t understand how we’re just suppose to get our heads around, that’s just the way the world works.
I’m not writing this post to gain sympathy, in fact sympathy is the last thing I want. I’m writing because it’s important to be open and create conversations. These are very natural emotions for those experiencing after baby loss and are extremely important to be expressed.
I’ve always felt hard done by to lose my daughter and I’m not afraid to admit that. We worked so hard and my body went through a tremendous amount to get her. Seven years of try to conceive, surgery, steroid & IV treatment, IVF cycles, daily injections, endless medications. To me, that can never feel fair.
The biggest challenge is the hospital negligence. We always think why couldn’t it have been different midwifes that answered my calls or a better consultant on call, doctors that didn’t gaslight me. We have been told in reports and investigations that our daughter should be here had those people done their jobs correctly. That’s something I struggle to see how I’ll ever come to terms with.
I will always look at the positives despite the heart breaking negatives because Esme will never be a negative to me. The why, is an element I try to avoid thinking about but the majority of the time it’s impossible to forget.
