One of the things I battle with most is that my child cannot be seen. After waiting 7 long years to become a mum, I felt like one from the moment I found out but it seems with baby loss the idea of being a parent gets dismissed. Something that’s strange because if you lost your mum, you’d still be a son/daughter and if your sibling passed away you’re still a brother or sister. This is a large part of the taboo those whom have lost children have to learn to accept.
I struggle a lot with the fact I have a daughter no one can see. A child I can only carry in heart instead of my arms. It’s a complex situation because you have gone through pregnancy, delivery and met your child but because they can’t stay it’s almost as if none of it happened. The most significant experience in your life is often ignored.
The pain of being out and seeing other families together is something I imagine will always exist because it’s watching what we should have. Knowing Esme should be walking along next to us is unbearable and just like any other parent we want to show her off to the world but we will never get the opportunity.
As much as you learn to cope with not having your child with you and seeing families together it will always feel as though I’m walking around with half of me missing. After growing your child for 9 months and feeling them inside you, it feels inhumane to then have to carry on with life without them. Ever when I am enjoying myself I always have the ache in my heart of thinking Esme should be here.
I’ve learnt from this experience to not always believe what you see, as much as a family might be out looking happy, they may still have someone missing. We often compare situations and I know I’ve done it over the last year but really we don’t know what there might be that we cannot see.
