I am so sorry you are feeling this deep pain. A pain I know all to well. The pain of missing someone you love, the ache of what will never be. I wish I could take it away from you, I wish I could make it all better for you.
That heaviness in your heart that you carry with you everyday, watching others live the life you should have. That feeling will stay with us forever and that's okay. because that feeling is the price we pay for love.
When our daughter passed away I couldn’t imagine how I could go on without her, I was merely just existing, trying to get through minute by minute. I felt the darkest of emotions you can feel and couldn’t see how there would ever be any room again for light. I couldn't possibly imagine going on without her, and although I still have moments where I wonder how I will, I have learnt I must go on, for her.
I want to promise you above all, things won’t feel this heavy forever. Things can get better and even though right now you probably won’t even want them to ever feel better, they will and you will become okay with it. You will learn to find enjoyment again in the warmth of the sun or the sound of a loved one's laughter, all without feeling guilty.
I want to give you this message of hope, whether you are ready to receive it or not. That’s because I wish someone who had been through something could have done the same for me. It’s so hard to feel so dark and not know there is any light at the end of it.
Most importantly you must know that your loved one will not judge you for not spending the rest of your life in the depths of depression. This is something every griever battles with and probably always will do but it really is true that your loved one would only want happiness for you. This is something I struggled with a great deal, I was riddled with guilt if I ever smiled or laughed but changing my mindset to realising I needed to live my life for my daughter really helped alleviate that worry.
Look for the small things, be grateful for the small positives. A roof over your head, food on your plate, a healthy body. Being grateful for the simple, mundane things teaches your brain to look for the positive instead of negatives all the time
You deserve to feel joy again, you deserve to laugh and feel love.