The unpredictability of life..
My journey to motherhood has provided more twists and turns than I could have ever imagined. Taking seven long years to conceive and needing two rounds of IVF before a very difficult pregnancy. The heartbreaking loss of our daughter which shattered our entire world. A further three IVF rounds to conceive our son and another challenging pregnancy. Ending in an emergency c-section at 29 weeks and our little boy being in hospital for three months.
None of these hardships I ever thought would happen to me, especially after dreaming of motherhood from young. The contrast between our dreams to our reality is a source of great pain. Leaving me grieving the moments I once anticipated.
The ache intensifies when I witness others conceive effortlessly, experiencing joyful pregnancies and deliveries. The jealousy overwhelms me. I can’t help but wonder why. Why us? Why was this the life chosen for me? It’s not that I want others to suffer instead, I just feel immense sadness for myself.
I envy those who get to take their baby girls home and those who experience newborn bliss. Just as I envy other's naivety surrounding the world, a world before loss turns it upside down and changes every inch.
Hearing of people who didn’t want children falling pregnant by accident or witnessing people not appreciating them, it’s hard to not be filled with rage. To question the way the world works. The fact there are many of us who long to have our babies in our arms whilst there are others who abuse and neglect theirs.
I try my best to look for positives and focus on the things we do have in an attempt not to be bitter. Despite that, I can’t shake the feeling that life has been incredibly cruel and the frustration I feel for that.
The importance of this post is to say that it’s okay to admit life not turning out the way you planned, is heart-wrenching. We’re allowed to pain in the fact we didn’t get a smooth ride and feel envious of those who do. I will no longer beat myself up for the disappointment I feel because I know it doesn’t mean I’m not appreciative of the things I do have. I’m grateful for what I do have, whilst hurting for what I lost.
