Christmas; a time of year which is considered the happiest of all. Consisting of families gathering and celebrating together. It's supposed to be the season of joy and cheer, but it isn't for everyone. In fact, for those missing someone, it serves as the perfect package of reminders showing all that you’ve lost. Everywhere you look you are surrounded by the vision of complete families celebrating on adverts and every social media post. It's impossible to avoid and even if you do your best to embrace it, you will feel your person’s absence in everything you do.
Not only do I feel immense sadness for everything I have lost but second-hand grief is extremely heightened at this time of year too. My heart physically aches for all the things that my daughter misses out on and all the experiences she will never get the chance to do. Seeing other children get to create magical moments with huge smiles on their faces makes it very hard to not be envious of them.
The snow falling reminds me of everything you'll never get the chance to see.
Hearing children meeting Father Christmas reminds me of the things you'll never get to do.
Seeing happy families creating traditions reminds me of the moments we will never share.
Presents giving reminds me of the excited child we'll never see on Christmas morning.
Witnessing friends' children in nativity plays reminds me of the experiences you'll never get to take.
I am constantly torn because of protecting myself and honouring my daughter. From wanting to completely hideaway this season I have slowly come around to participating somewhat. I don’t want to do Esme a disservice but it’s hard to pretend it isn’t complete agony having to do this without her. What is most important to me though is that no matter what she is always celebrated. As I always do, I will keep plodding along and pushing myself to live life for her. Reminding myself that I’m lucky to have the chance to experience so many things she can’t.
There's a constant feeling of emptiness when living without your child which is brought to its head at this time of year. A time when it’s expected that everyone to be happy and enjoying themselves, that extra pressure only makes it harder for those dealing with grief. It’s a time which is so beautiful for those with living children but is agonising for those without them.
There’s nothing anyone can buy, no present under the tree which will ever be enough. There will be no happy moment which won’t be tainted with the sadness of you not being there and no family celebration will be complete.
The only thing I want for Christmas is my baby girl back.