The loss of a child is the most life-altering thing a person can go through. I’m not and never will be the same person I was before Esme. There’s not one part of life that went untouched. I grew a tiny human in my body and she didn’t make it home, how could it ever be possible to remain the same?
The trauma is enough to alter a person, to then add grief for your child on top, it would cripple anyone. My worries and anxieties since are far greater. My carefree side is harder to access and the naivety I once had, was lost in an instant. I now always have the thought in my mind that Esme is missing and feel guilty that I experience things she can’t. My mind is constantly on overdrive worrying that people have forgotten her. I continually look at other families who seem to have the perfect picture and think how our family will never be complete.
There are so many elements of life which are now more complicated, with PTSD being the cause. Trauma is something I’ve never dealt with before and now loud, busy places make me anxious. Flashbacks cause me to have panic attacks, things constantly trigger me and I always feel on edge. I can’t help but assume the worst and I live in fear of the next bad thing happening. These are all things I’m learning how to deal with and will hopefully overcome but I strongly believe a part of it will be with me forever.
As in every life situation, I try to find positives and even with our catastrophic loss, there are things I have gained too. I now have a greater appreciation for life and learned to embrace it in every way I can. Life’s trivial problems don’t matter to me anymore which allows me to value the important moments more. After experiencing the true meaning of ‘life’s too short’, it forced me to reevaluate what’s important and what’s not.
The impact Esme has on me is huge and I’ll always be grateful to experience having a daughter and the downsides will never outweigh my joy for that.