Lonlier than ever

Lonlier than ever

This new chapter with my son is a beautiful blessing and more than I could’ve wished for. However as wonderful as this time is, it’s become the loneliest I’ve felt in my grief.

The change in the dynamic of having a baby after a loss has left me in unfamiliar territory. For a long time, I was able to express my grief in whichever way felt right. I could cry when I needed to and be as vocal as I wanted. Now in this new stage of life, I feel uncertain of how to navigate things and feel the space to grieve has been taken from me.

The arrival of a new baby changes people’s acceptance of your grief and comes with the expectation that it should’ve healed you. This has left me more suppressed than ever and feeling as though I have to hide my sadness.

The combination of people’s words and actions plus society’s attitude has me feeling that any negative emotions I voice, take away from my appreciation of my son. The reality is quite the opposite; the grief I have for Esme only heightens my gratitude for Lowen.

Naturally, the conversations that were once about Esme, are now focused on Lowen and I can’t help but find this hard. Not because I don’t want him to have the attention but because l miss having that space for her. It leaves me struggling to find how and when I’m able to discuss her. It's become isolating having to suppress my emotions and makes it feel like everyone else has forgotten her.

Grief is not something that fits neatly into a schedule, a box, or a time frame. This is exactly why the arrival of a new baby, doesn’t remove the pain of losing my other one. Instead, it cuts even deeper because I’m now seeing first-hand all the things my daughter missed.

This post is not written for sympathy, but instead, to provide insight. I want to show when circumstances change, others' expectations do too. This doesn’t mean the way you feel has to though, because nothing will ever take away the grief of a child.

I will never stop grieving my daughter or holding space for her, even if it now means doing so in private. I encourage every one of you to do the same, despite what others may say.
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