Exactly 12 weeks to the day after Lowen was born, 84 days had been spent in the hospital. With there being so many occasions we thought we could lose him, we truly never imagined the time would come that he’d ever be safe enough to go.
The joy of bringing Lowen home has been overwhelming. Not only due to spending so long in the hospital but also because our journey ttc started eight years ago. It came after experiencing multiple miscarriages, five rounds of IVF, many complicated diagnoses’, a placenta abruption and the threat of another one. The loss of our beautiful Esme led us to believe that was our one chance and it was taken away. Our trauma could never fathom this day would ever be possible.
Having a living child after loss brings incredible happiness but it doesn’t come without pain. With all the excitement we’ve felt, there have also been thoughts of Esme not getting the same chance. People desperate to meet Lowen wasn’t the same reception we received for Esme; instead, it was expressions of how it was too difficult. Gifts and words of congratulations never came before and continue to be challenging to hear. Walking out of the hospital with Lowen was magical but too served as a reminder of our polar opposite experience with Esme.
We decided to use most things we’d bought for Esme, as a way of feeling close to her. I’m pleased we did but to say the feelings have been complex is an understatement. I love thinking of her every time he’s in the pram, car seat or her clothes but it isn’t without a heavy heart.
Nothing will ever dampen the blessing it is to have our boy here, it just doesn’t stop me wishing both babies could be. My grief for Esme will never take anything away from my love for Lowen, I am just learning how the two emotions must co-exist.
