At the age of 16, I became severely depressed. Whilst my friends were out being young and care free, I was shut away in darkness. During the years your suppose to be living life to the fullest, I was too unwell to even leave my room. Most days I couldn’t get out of bed, I wouldn’t eat and didn’t speak more than one or two words. I would hear voices in my head and see people that weren’t really there. When things became too much I tried to commit suicide, three times. Desperate attempts to put an end to the pain I was suffering.
After seeking private help I finally received the correct diagnosis of bipolar disorder and began the appropriate treatment. At such a vulnerable age I was forced to deal with experiences that no teen should ever have to. I had been through so much trauma before my life had even begun and I needed a way to unpack it all. Speaking with a counsellor, it was suggested that I tried writing my thoughts on paper and then proceeding to tear that paper up. A way of trying to picture my dark thoughts being released with the action of ripping.
This was the beginning of a great passion and a catalyst for a lot that was to come. Writing about my feelings was such a release and to be able to get my darkest thoughts out, without having to share with anyone was even better. It wasn’t long after, that I started my blog and used it share my mental health battles, then later on fertility struggles. I went from being someone who always struggled with English in school, to it being my greatest passion. I feel very proud that I regularly receive messages explaining how my writing helps people, which for me is the biggest reward of all.
When Esme passed away I knew I had to do the same to process the trauma and I found the combination of talking therapy and writing to be my savour. I hate to think of the place I’d be in now had I not used those tools to work through the horrors of child loss.
